T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
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Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”