T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
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Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
the dark web is just a goth google.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.