T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
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If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”