Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
You Might Also Like
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
guys I’m going home
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life