Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
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*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey