Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
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My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Breaking news:
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
The Backseat Boys
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.