Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
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Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!