Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

cop jokes

@ThisOneSayz: Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won't find anything!!

Cop: It's not that kind of cavity search, ma'am.

@usermcuserface: How did you find me??
Cop: Your ransom note had pasted letters from a magazine. It was between you and like 4 other people on earth.

@bornmiserable: POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING'S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL

@DaddyJew: Daddy, how'd you get that scar?

*flashback to me tripping & falling while running from the police after a night of drunken debauchery*

War

@stephenjmolloy: *dog comes up to me* "I think he likes me!"

Cop: "We are going to search you for drugs now."

@ThaJawn: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me and 20 koalas: *blank stare

@inanimatecorpse: Wife: I said any fantasy, I wore the police uniform! Isn't that enough?

Me: Say the words

Wife: Ok... sir, I have bad news about your wife

@bea_ker: Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

@stephenjmolloy: Cop: "We'll catch the guy who murdered your husband."

Tina: "My husband was murdered?!"

Cop: "Shit! Sorry... I have some bad news..."

@LostCatDog: Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa