If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
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Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
No, I don’t think I will.
Look at this
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
bugs when you lift up a rock
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then