Funny Tweeter

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cop jokes

@HidingNDAttic: ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high

CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk

ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af

CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!

@HughGoesThere: Cop: We need to test you for marijuana.
Me: That's kashmir purple kush.
Cop: Correct, you’re free to go.

@ArfMeasures: COP: It's 4/20

ME: Yes, and I'm a dealer!

COP: Then you're under arrest

ME: I'm a dealer at the casino, lol!

COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?

ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there

@CantWaitToNap: When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.

@Steven37366100: [Police Line up]

Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off


@NewDadNotes: [on the phone]

Me: hey babe you’ll never guess-

Wife: [sees County Jail on caller ID] you hit a cop car again didn’t you

Me: -let me finish you’ll never guess who I ran into today

@TheBeerGuy_: *uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*

@rudy_mustang: Cop: what the hell are you doing

Me: just holding this old lady’s hand while i cross the street sir

Cop: wh- where’s the rest of her

@ArfMeasures: COP: Tell me what you saw

ME: Jersey Boys

COP: *sighs* at the crime scene

ME: No, at the theatre

@_ElvishPresley_: cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking

me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts

cop: no I’m just high—wait a second

me: too late ur under arrest