Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

cop jokes

@DaddyJew: Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *super high* nice try, license and registration

@Chumpstring: [standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down

@joejwest: COP: Who lives in a pineapple under the sea
SUSPECT: Is it bring your kid to work day?
LITTLE GIRL: [slams fist on desk] Answer the question

@KeetPotato: cop: i have to give you a ticket
me: [undoes button] how bout now?
cop: sir
me: [undoes another] how bout now?
cop: sir pls get off my shirt

@markydoodoo: I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.

@ClichedOut: [about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed

@Chumpstring: [cop car jeopardy]
Me: confiscated items for $200
Alex: this green p-
Me: what is marijuana?
Alex: yes
Cop: be quiet back there
Me & Alex: k

@MarfSalvador: Cop: My informant told me where the killer is

Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?

Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that

@markhoppus: Watching Riverdale with my son has afforded us important discussions like not to lie to the police when your twin brother dies mysteriously.

@CodyJP9412: COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.