Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

If bad ads/pop-ups are redirecting you, please take a screenshot and email it to [email protected]. Help us keep the site clean!

cop jokes

@MarfSalvador: [Pulled over by cops]

Murderer: I swear officer! There ain't nuthin in the trunk!

Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT

@ArfMeasures: ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse

COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?

ME: It's like a big, fast dog

@Loving_Life1996: Police: THIS IS THE POLICE, OPEN THE DOOR NOW

Me: Not with that attitude

@panmidwest: COP: I need to see some ID

ME: [hands him ID]

COP: this isn't yours

ME: you said "some"

COP: lol wow good point you're free to go

@KrangTNelson: ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]

MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday's Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing

@mrjohndarby: Cop: I have bad news. It's your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

@wittwitbarista: I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like "do you know how fast you were going?"Or "is that a raccoon smoking a joint?"

@DaddyJew: Cop: license and registration

Me: that won't be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket

@xLiserx: {4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What's going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: ...Who's winning?
Me: Shredder.

@Rollmaninoz: Cop: *with my license* says here you're supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don't care who you know, put your glasses on