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‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
I want what they have
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.