Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
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“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.