Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
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Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris