@senorwinces: Take a look at trending topics and you'll realize why they have to write "do not eat" on dry silica packets.
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@ericsshadow: Doctor: How long have you been in pain? Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
@RawspberryJamb: "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it's yours" - Inventors of boomerangs
@SondraDeeMe: My boyfriend doesn't like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, "Beard Man" "Jolly Girl" and "the one I slept with in 2009."
@TheHyyyype: WIFE: what the hell happened here? ME: i broke an egg [earlier] ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit