Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
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ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife