Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
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Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.