Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
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doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
How to make infinite energy.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.