Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
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Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Steam Forums
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
“what’s it like having a sister?”
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”