(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
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business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.