Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
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I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
5 ways to appear taller
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
In case you needed to hear it:
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL