Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
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Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.