Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
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it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Natural selection at its finest
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup