Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
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The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”