Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
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The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”