Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
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My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Super Hand Dog Face
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Twitter remains undefeated
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”