@danimgrace: Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
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@Poutymcgee: "THE PLATYPUS HERE TASTES LIKE SHIT! DO NOT ORDER IT!" I shout in the face of a confused and frightened old lady at the zoo.
@dizzydes86: Everybody always says they want a fairytale wedding, but when I show up and curse their newborn, suddenly I'm a jerk.
@daveexplosm: The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you're doing it too.
@TGIJeff: When they ask me in a job interview what my greatest weakness is, I always say that I can't open my eyes under water