Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
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I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what