Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
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[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.