[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
You Might Also Like
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
this FaceApp is creepy af
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.