*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
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Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Every haunted house movie:
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you