Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
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“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
welcome back
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.