doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
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Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet