[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
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Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.