if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
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Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes