ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
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I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.