*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
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This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!