[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
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I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”