Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
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Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist