This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
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Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
When they try to steal your moment.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class