For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
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Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with