*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
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“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.