[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
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“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.