*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
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You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.