*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
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Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Not now. I’m deglazing.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.