I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
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Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.