*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
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her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Spring cleaning checklist…
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
huge valentines day plans this year!!
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*