“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
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Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Me trying to look natural in photos
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
This is not me but this is me
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name