Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
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What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Noah
Story of my life…..
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that