@davedittell: *takes load of groceries off of old woman's hands* these are mine now you old prune
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@papasuncle: God: Basically u just chill. Cow: Nice. God: I mean, at first. Cow: ...then? God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
@SortaBad: Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work? *flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn't find a thermos* "Yes"
@DillDoes: You can't spell "secret government conspiracies" without that 27th letter of the alphabet that they're hiding from us
@david8hughes: If your dog & your baby are fighting, it's important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.