@davedittell: *takes load of groceries off of old woman's hands* these are mine now you old prune
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@TheCatWhisprer: Sometimes a man has needs that can't be fulfilled in the home. [goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
@amazymay72x: Husband: I'll unload the dishwasher for you, honey. Me: No rush. 3 days later.......regrets saying no rush.
@shutupmikeginn: friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself? me: It was on sale for $4 friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
@haleysfalling: so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i "need to put my hospital gown on the right way"