@davedittell: *takes load of groceries off of old woman's hands* these are mine now you old prune
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@jujuhounds: Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say 'beautiful' instead. Me: Ok. Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
@T_Bonezzz: Cop: Know why I pulled u over? Me: Know why I pulled u over C: Stop that M: Stop that C: Wanna go to jail? M: Wanna go to jail? C: No.. errr
@CaptainObtuse: Just printed out 50 copies of today's weather forecast to carry around with me today because I'm just not in the mood for small talk.
@chinchillasaur: [graduation speech] all of our parents had sex during the same year and i think that's really great