@davedittell: *takes load of groceries off of old woman's hands* these are mine now you old prune
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@shanethevein: Wait, there's a big difference. Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
@slimmy_shady: Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say "Hello".At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
@leechee420: Friend asks me to be her maid of honor: M-What do I have to do? F-Well I know you, so I'm expecting very little. Mission accomplished.
@TheHyyyype: ME: *tells joke* WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school [later] ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th