*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
You Might Also Like
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.