*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
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I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now