*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
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who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
“We will wed,” I threatened
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.