*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
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You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
*mops up wine with cat*
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.