[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
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In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
ME: Excuse me鈥here’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I鈥檝e done build a bear several times.
If only.
every year on st. paddy鈥檚 my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You鈥檙e Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn鈥檛 sell records I suppose.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
My dad would freak tf out!馃ぃ馃拃
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn鈥檛 even flexible so it鈥檚 impossible that really took place.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 馃槵
Host: What now? 馃え
Me *bids farewell*
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it鈥檚 positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves