Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
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[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
If snakes were wide
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Lmfaoooooo
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose