I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
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Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..